Wow! It’s been a while since I shared a painting process. Two years ago to be exact.

Yup! I’m a lousy blogger and a very bad painter. Because yes, it’s been this long since I truly went back on painting. I’m crossing fingers that I’m seriously back for good this time.

Well, I’ve kind of adjusted from being a Mama. Wacky and I have somehow already figured how to work things out. Nicolas also knows his routine now except when he’s really trying to fight it off.

Business is really low, close to bad; So, I don’t really have much excuse not to paint, right? Yet it still took me this long. I seriously feel bad sometimes. But in a way, I have to make peace with myself about enjoying not doing anything or just being lazy.

Although, I think I know myself better now that I am happiest if I’m productive. More so, whenever I’m painting. But not to put pressure in myself if I’m also being unproductive. That’s why it bothers me why I’m not pushing myself further when I know it makes me happy.

The funny thing was, every new year, I list my goals and create a word for myself or at least a reflection of what happened that year or did not and set new goals (2012, 2014 Christmas, 2014 New Year, 2015, 2016, 2018).

But this year, I was blank. Literally, no idea where I’ll be going or what I’ll be doing. I tried thinking of a word but nothing strongly called my name. I’ve been thinking of new projects that will inspire me to keep moving but it took me ages to even clean up my new studio. I was convincing myself that I’m still enjoying maternity leave. Then the pandemic happened. The more I got lost and moved slowly. Not even the urge to look for an income didn’t keep me moving.

I pushed myself to create 10 art journals which actually helped sparked that fire in me. But it died eventually after my 9th. Tried getting up on the 10th, but still nothing.

I would say my mojo was lost; I’m out of rhythm again. But I was just simply clueless and blank.

But the other day, I was listening to Joel Osteen’s podcast – Bless Yourself. He mentioned encouraging words to bless yourself and when I heard determined, it just spoke to me strongly.

Since then, ideas and inspirations poured like mad rain on me. God, indeed will tell you what you needed to hear when you’re finally ready to listen.

And so last week, a cosmic unusual energy poured on me and I was able to paint 2 artworks without struggling that much even without practice.

Here’s my painting process of this artwork I called Silhouette. A watercolour on Khadi paper. I found and saved it on my Pinterest Painting Reference board.

A week before I painted this, I was talking to my art girlfriends: Airees and Reg. It was the time when Reg launched her artwork online shop. We congratulated her and talked about asking God’s purpose or plan in our art career so we would know where he will lead us.

I was truly amased how timely this conversation was. Reg, found out her purpose and where God is leading her. Airees also found hers. I, on the other hand was totally lost and running in circles for years. It’s like God is using these girls to tell me something.

During our conversation, it was only then I realised, I never asked God about this. Maybe this is also the reason why I have been lost, uncertain, and never reached my greatest potential because, in a way, I never included Him.

Don’t get me wrong. I know, my talent, skills, inspiration, and ideas came from Him. But it was more of an unconscious and indirect approach. I never truly talked to him about this. I’ve been lost for years in terms of my art career yet I seriously never thought of asking Him for help.

In my head, if it’s about life and an uncontrollable situation, that’s the time I call on Him. But art and career? It was something I was sure of myself and thought of just a go with the flow kind of situation. It never occurred to me that I can also ask Him for these kinds of events. Do you understand what I mean?

Since that conversation, I prayed. Then He answered through Joel Osteen’s podcast. Then poured a lot of ideas after I heard it.

In the past months, I’ve worked online and applied for some other online jobs but I wasn’t really happy nor didn’t get the jobs I thought I wanted. Now, it makes sense because that is not what He has planned for me.

It was such a great feeling. Knowing the answers to my questions. Making sense why I’ve been like this for the past years. Because it is only now I realised, I should have included Him all this time.

My path has somehow cleared and I can see even with my blurry vision where I’d be going. Unlike before when I was a bit worried about expenses and sustaining the business. Now, I have a positive outlook from different perspectives, especially about money.

This blog post was supposedly meant for just a painting process. However, I couldn’t let this thought pass. Blogging has become my public journal and I wanted to share with you thinking you might get inspired or needed to hear something to fuel you up too.

Aside from painting, it’s also been a while that I posted something personal such as this. For the past few posts, I felt like it lack depth or it was just more about recording my process because I’m always pressed in time.

But tonight is a good night. I can also say, this second half of the year has become the start of my 2020. A new beginning since I closed down the Artisan Design Studio (custom design).

My greatest take on this life lesson is to pray not only for the ideas to pour in but also the energy and the directions that I’ll be able to make all these happen. If you’re struggling too, I pray the same thing for you.