Most of us filipino families are fond of traditions. Normally during christmas we have the usual family gathering, then we prepare for the noche buena. Talk and laugh for hours and so on… 
My small family has a simple tradition too. Normally, we try to complete the simbang gabi {which I was able to do so this year}. Then on christmas dinner, we have our christmas party for Yellow Hauz. After which, we go home, watch tv or do something nonsense in our rooms while we wait till 12 midnight.

Then when it’s already christmas, Mama, Sandy and me will go out in our sala, greet and kiss each other and open our gifts. I’d also prepare my camera and tripod for a yearly family photo beside the christmas tree.

That has been our tradition for almost 7 years now since we open Yellow Hauz. But this year is quite different…

We moved the party on an earlier date which was last Sunday. And it’s our first time to spend the holidays being apart with my sister, since she already moved to Canada with her husband.

So now, it’s just Mama and me…

Before December came, so many things happened both in personal and career life. I’ve been struggling not to be too emotional about it and prepared myself for the changes that is about to come specially during holidays.

So instead of our usual routine, I’ve watched so many movies, tried to sleep all day, waited for christmas to come then sleep again. No family pictures, didn’t greet much people, didn’t even prepared as many gifts as I used to and didn’t eat much. Just too lazy and unmotivated for everything.

For the past few days, I’ve been floating and just learning the art of getting by. On the positive side, I’ve learned to be at peace with silence and just being with my journal and a book. Surprisingly, the poet inside me {if I may say} resuscitated again and I was able to get in touched with my emotions through writing.

I’m the type of person that always find joys in simple matters or always see the goodness in every person. But lately, it was such a struggle for me. Although, slowly I have come to my senses… Somehow, I’m seeing clearly, able to sleep well and accepted with brave heart in facing another year. Things maybe blurry as of now, but they say, there’s always a rainbow after the rain, right?

Forgive me for being such a downer as you read this post. I have no intention of pulling you down on a very special occasion. But there are days or perhaps weeks that life is really challenging you and trying to make you become a better person. And since this blog is such a big part of me, it helps me feel that it’s going to be alright.

Just this afternoon, we had our usual family christmas party in Yellow Hauz. Where all the titos, titas and cousins gather to eat, talk and play. I had fun… We had fun… regardless we missed few people this season. Apart from my sister who moved in to Canada, my lola passed away earlier this year, so it’s our first christmas without her either. But it was still fun and chaotic like we always do.

It woke me up a little… felt the grace and love and being grateful for still having so many things in my life. I have to admit, during this down time I had, a lot of realisations occur {and yes, sometimes it’s being over analysing} but I know things will get better. So tonight, I’m pre-occupying myself with movies, a warm cup of tea and a good book beside me. This is how I enjoy this season now. There maybe changes from the past few years but change is good. Change makes us better and stronger.

So don’t worry, I promise myself that I’ll leave all these emotions just up to this month and will truly welcome a new year with a better outlook.

I’m really wishing everyone that you’re having a wonderful christmas with your loved ones. If you’re also in an emotional state like me, savour it for now but know when to stand up. And entering a new year is always a good opportunity to stand up and say to yourself “it will be better”. It will be, for sure…